Wow

I am notorious for starting blogs, posting a couple and then just abandoning ship. Ha-ha kind of like these ‘diets’ I start too it seems.

And like I have probably posted in the past we are in a new year and I am going to make changes. I can’t stand the thought of resolutions and I don’t like goals. Despite the fact that everyone seems to say that people need to set goals. But the other day, I read something along the lines of – you’re unhappy until you reach your goal, then you are unhappy because you realize that even though you reached your goal you are still unhappy, and if you don’t meet your goal well then you’re unhappy you didn’t. So I am not going to consider this a goal or a resolution that only 24% of people who actually make New Year’s Resolutions succeeds in… No, this journey I’m going to embark on will be considered a change.

I am making a change in my life. I like to think that I like change. Or honestly it is probably that I don’t know what I want so I keep changing my mind, which I now call change instead of indecision. But I have decided that I don’t like this style of living.

I am fat. I will say it. I know it. I love myself anyways, but I’m tired of being lonely. I think I am a great catch. I have a great sense of humor, I am smart, friendly, despite my waist line I’m quite attractive if I do say so myself. Considering all of this the only thing that I can think is that I need to lose some weight. I need that change in my life.

How am I going to do it? Diet and exercise of course…. But I don’t want to. I love food. I am a pastry chef for goodness sakes, I HAVE to taste food. I can’t cut out food groups from my diet. And exercise … I can’t afford the gym oh and did I mention that I’m about to work long crazy hours at a bakery? So, a strict diet of meat and nuts is out as well as making 24 hour fitness my home for 6 months.

I need a plan. My plan. To eat what I want because lets get real – if this is going to actually be a change I stick with it needs to be realistic. Well, Shianne, isn’t that what you’ve been doing? Well yes. BUT. Not in moderation. My problem is that I feel like I need to finish the plate. That I need to eat everything on the plate and if I don’t it’s an insult to the cook or a waste of money. But slowly I’ve come to terms with the fact that if I’m going to have to eat less and keep track. Yes, the dreaded calorie count. If only for a month or two. I need to be conscience of what I am putting in my body. Since food alone isn’t the reason I’m fat… I need to also exercise. I always give myself every excuse in the book to avoid this. So I guess I’m going to just have to do it. There is no other way. Start small? Well duh! I’m on my way to get some little dumbbells right now (well in a bit). This will help when I’m sitting there making excuses about not going for a run instead thinking that I need to catch up on my guilty pleasure TV shows. A little goes a long way right?

So I started yesterday. This morning weighing at 236. Gah. About 30lbs from my highest. About 86lbs from my fantasy. In 6 months’ time, I go back home. I am IN a wedding. I need to look good. I want to be able to go to the beach and not worrying about hurting people’s eyes by the way I look. Being able to go into a random store in the mall and be able to buy clothes off the rack in a department not labeled as ‘Women’s’ aka PLUS SIZE is my birthday present to myself.

I’m going to try as hard as I can to keep up with this. I sorta like typing out my feelings… not to mention I’m a fan of this quiet coffeehouse I just discovered.

 

Shianne.

 

PS. ironically enough, the post below this is from a year ago. Young Shianne telling you of her promises to lose weight and her goals for the future. Here's to not falling into that trap again.